Thursday, February 2, 2012

Best letter ever. The "Have a Happy Period" Complaint Letter

After being reminded today of how deeply I detest the "Have Happy Period" slogan, which during a bad hormonal upheaval... can actually drive me into fits of wanting to strangle the dumbass dude that came up with that happy ad campaign... *clears throat* um... 'k moving on...

After being reminded today... I remembered seeing the perfect letter awhile back, addressing said dude. Thought I'd share. Again.

Best letter evah.

*****

This is an "actual letter" from an Austin , Texas woman sent to Proctor and  Gamble regarding one of their feminine products. This was PC Magazine's 2009 Editors' Choice award-winner for the best letter sent via e-mail.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight,white shorts.

But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you haven't.
Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.'

Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women.
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants.. Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'
Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong'.

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullsh!t. And that's a promise I will keep.

Always. . ...

Wendi Aarons Austin , TX

11 comments:

Andrea said...

Laughing so hard I scared the cat. Thank you, you made my night.

Amara Devonte said...

LOLOL. Happy to share the laugh. :D

Rhi Etzweiler said...

Yeah, Mike just looked at me as though I'd grown a second head.

It's like skewering the boar and saying, "Enjoy the dinner party!"

Anonymous said...

Womens creativity , potential, intuition and assertiveness is supposed to be at it's peak around this time....the blessing in the curse. .. Unfortunately mass population are dead to this knowledge and womens empowerment surpressed and perpetuated by women themselves who look no deeper than scratching the surface of chocloate wrappers to soothe themselves... If periods are that much of a hinderence, for Christ sakes try and learn the positive aspects of it and taking responsibility for clueing yourself up on a monthly event rarther than sit cramped up moaning about it might reveal a thing or two with celebrating about it and help you cope better. It's what prompted me to research it it's a bloody shame women have lost the knowledge and with it potential for their own empowerment.

Amara Devonte said...

Lolol. Wow. Ok. I'm really glad you embrace the "blessing in the curse". That's terrific. Good for you.

Thanks for your visit and leaving me you're thoughts on the lost knowledge of the greatness of the menstrual blessing and the damage done by chocolate. I will value it always.

Have a happy period!

Tracy Faul said...

*snicker*

I am so so hateful of my period now. It wasn't as bad until AFTER I had kids but now...Oh, yeah, So Happy! Giving birth was less painful (probably because I got over my needle issue DAMN quick and had the epidural, which they don't offer for periods. They really should, though.) Good drugs make for a happy period. 

I realize a lot of .... mmmm... Earth Mother types celebrate it but honestly, it's not about fertility! It's what happens when you're NOT fertilized! You get it even if you're sterile, if you're in the right age range. 

And it's messy. Even at its best, with really good feminine hygiene products, it's messy. 

So, I think I'll pass on the Happy Period, and go back to my Don't TOUCH Me!Period instead.

& the next person who tells me "It's not that bad! It's a good thing; celebrate it!" had better be prepared to have his dick ripped off, so he can experience it, too.

*smiles sweetly* All done now!

Amara Devonte said...

Lolol. You just lack the lost knowledge, like me. :D 

Wanna eat some chocolate? *passes candy bar and bonbons* Let us soothe ourselves in our un-empowered ignorance. ;-p

Tracy Faul said...

More than WANT -- I NEED some chocolate. I think I'm moving into my grumpy, hormone-laden "Blessed Week." Where the heck did I put those Baker's squares? I'm gonna need some brownies....

Amara Devonte said...

*snicker*

Rhi Etzweiler said...

Once upon a time in a galaxy far away, I stumbled upon a piece of information about how in pre-Christian pagan Nordic religions, the female cycle was lauded as all those things expressed above.

The females who followed Freyja and the way of seidr also remained virgins and didn't bear offspring because once such was done the intuitive energies and "magic of the womb as a gateway to insight" was gone.

So, we were all fucked anyway. Pun intended.

Amara Devonte said...

Fucked indeed.

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