I have spent the last couple/few weeks being an emotional wreck. I've not slept in I don't know how long. I've been trying to fight a battle I didn't know how to fight. Quite frankly, I'm still an emotional wreck, and I'm completely exhausted.
I look back over the last weeks, and I feel a bit like I failed. What I was trying to accomplish, what I was trying to prevent, I was unable to. I feel like that's because I didn't know the right words to get people to see what I was trying to say; that "outing" our authors could have, would have, far reaching consequences. I didn't have enough knowledge to make an intelligent argument. All I knew how to do was try to stand up, try to plead, "Please! Please stop!" I tried as hard as I could, the only way I knew how, to get people to see the hurt and the pain my friends were going thru, the hurt and the pain I knew others I don't even know were going thru. I was trying so hard to protect them from people that I couldn't get thru to.
I watched on Monday, as one of my dearest friends laid himself bare for all to see. I watched him put himself out there for public scrutiny in the midst of that whole uproar. I know what that meant for him to do that. That was the very thing I was trying to prevent. I didn't want ANYONE to feel they needed to do such a thing.
I have mixed feelings on what he did. I am so damn fucking proud of him. For the stand he took, for his courage, his bravery. Aleksandr Voinov is a man I look up to, a man I have such great respect for, he is the very image of the person I want to be when I grow up. If I could be even 1/2 as awesome as he is...
Shit, I'm going to cry again, I'll stop there and just say I am in total awe of my friend.
The flip side is I am still so very angry. I'm still so very upset. I'm upset that he felt he needed to do that. I understand why he did it, but I don't like that he felt he had to. I don't like the circumstances surrounding it all.
I don't want ANYONE to have to do that again. Not one more of my friends, not one more author, not one more single person anywhere.
I've seen some hopeful things come out of this whole thing. I've talked to many people behind the scenes, I've watched light bulbs come on with an awareness of what happened, of what went wrong, of what caused so much pain. With each one I see, with each person I've talked to, I get a little more hopeful still.
As for me, I've learned a great deal. I've learned that I have a lot to learn. I've every intention of learning all that I can. I want to do all that I possibly can, I WILL do all that I possibly can, to support my friends, to support TG/Q authors, the community as a whole, to help bring awareness, to help...
Just to help. What ever that means. What ever way I can.
Since I'm still not sure how to do that yet, I figure I'll start by just pointing out that over in the M/M Romance Group on Goodreads, they started a thread called "Healing the Rift". Aleksandr Voinov, Serena Yates, and several other people are over there answering questions, helping people to understand what happened, why this all hurt so bad, bringing awareness and getting things out in the open. What they are doing over there I think we should all see. So many of us need to know, to understand, to learn. And it's a great start, it's an awesome thing they are doing.
To all my friends: to Aleks and the rest I won't name, (hopefully you know who you are)... I love you the world. You inspire me with your courage and your bravery every day. You all rock my fucking socks so hard.
To the rest of the authors and readers affected by all of this, I end with this...
*big tight squeezes and a smooch too*
I'm getting all gushy and my eyes starting to leak again, so... I'm off.