Thursday, November 17, 2011

Healing the Rift

I have spent the last couple/few weeks being an emotional wreck. I've not slept in I don't know how long. I've been trying to fight a battle I didn't know how to fight. Quite frankly, I'm still an emotional wreck, and I'm completely exhausted.

I look back over the last weeks, and I feel a bit like I failed. What I was trying to accomplish, what I was trying to prevent, I was unable to. I feel like that's because I didn't know the right words to get people to see what I was trying to say; that "outing" our authors could have, would have, far reaching consequences. I didn't have enough knowledge to make an intelligent argument. All I knew how to do was try to stand up, try to plead, "Please! Please stop!" I tried as hard as I could, the only way I knew how, to get people to see the hurt and the pain my friends were going thru, the hurt and the pain I knew others I don't even know were going thru. I was trying so hard to protect them from people that I couldn't get thru to.

I watched on Monday, as one of my dearest friends laid himself bare for all to see. I watched him put himself out there for public scrutiny in the midst of that whole uproar. I know what that meant for him to do that. That was the very thing I was trying to prevent. I didn't want ANYONE to feel they needed to do such a thing.

I have mixed feelings on what he did. I am so damn fucking proud of him. For the stand he took, for his courage, his bravery. Aleksandr Voinov is a man I look up to, a man I have such great respect for, he is the very image of the person I want to be when I grow up. If I could be even 1/2 as awesome as he is...

Shit, I'm going to cry again, I'll stop there and just say I am in total awe of my friend.

The flip side is I am still so very angry. I'm still so very upset. I'm upset that he felt he needed to do that. I understand why he did it, but I don't like that he felt he had to. I don't like the circumstances surrounding it all.

I don't want ANYONE to have to do that again. Not one more of my friends, not one more author, not one more single person anywhere.

Not. Anyone.

I've seen some hopeful things come out of this whole thing. I've talked to many people behind the scenes, I've watched light bulbs come on with an awareness of what happened, of what went wrong, of what caused so much pain. With each one I see, with each person I've talked to, I get a little more hopeful still.

As for me, I've learned a great deal. I've learned that I have a lot to learn. I've every intention of learning all that I can. I want to do all that I possibly can, I WILL do all that I possibly can, to support my friends, to support TG/Q authors, the community as a whole, to help bring awareness, to help...

Just to help. What ever that means. What ever way I can.

Since I'm still not sure how to do that yet, I figure I'll start by just pointing out that over in the M/M Romance Group on Goodreads, they started a thread called "Healing the Rift". Aleksandr Voinov, Serena Yates, and several other people are over there answering questions, helping people to understand what happened, why this all hurt so bad, bringing awareness and getting things out in the open. What they are doing over there I think we should all see. So many of us need to know, to understand, to learn. And it's a great start, it's an awesome thing they are doing.

To all my friends: to Aleks and the rest I won't name, (hopefully you know who you are)... I love you the world. You inspire me with your courage and your bravery every day. You all rock my fucking socks so hard.

To the rest of the authors and readers affected by all of this, I end with this...

*big tight squeezes and a smooch too*

I'm getting all gushy and my eyes starting to leak again, so... I'm off.

Later taters.


Tracy Faul said...


I don't think there was any failing on your part. At some point, there's a certain momentum to things, and online it can reach that momentum well before anyone can do anything to stem the tide. And, sadly, there are some people who you (or anyone else) will NEVER be able to reach. Some heads are closed to reason and change.

All you can do is stand firm in the knowledge that you have supported people you care about, done your very best, and advocated for your friends.

DarienMoya said...

Great post Amara! I agree with you on everything. I am sad that Aleks feel he had to explain and lay himself bare. When quite frankly its nobody's business. Authors and just anyone in general has no responsibilty to explain a damn thing to us. They write, we read and love/hate it.

Their personal life, their gender should be of no business to anyone and I am still also fecking angry over it all. So thanks for this post, I also hope we can move beyond and get back to what we love about the M/M genre.

Oleg Grave said...


Blaine D. Arden said...

Great post, Amara :)

To all my friends: to Aleks and the rest I won't name, (hopefully you
know who you are)... I love you the world. You inspire me with your
courage and your bravery every day. You all rock my fucking socks so


*hugs to all*

Amara Devonte said...


Thanks honey. My head knows that in reality it wasn't a fail on my part, I did my best. I know it was bigger than I could have fought. I've actually gotten messages from people, some I don't even know, that have thanked me for whatever it was I did. But I just want so badly to protect my friends form pain, and that part of me wishes I'd have fought harder, or done better, or... spared them somehow. It's just how I'm wired. I'm a snarly growly ... kiss the owie and make it all better... kind of person. lol not sure how those go together, but they do. :)

Amara Devonte said...

Thanks darlin'.

I swear, I will never stop trying to drive that point home: They write, we read, the end. More than that is just to much to ask.

I hope so badly that we can move past all of this. I think we can. I think we may be on our way. One step at a time. I want to help make people understand now, so that this doesn't happen again.

And I want to wrap everyone up in a big hug, make all the owies go away. :(

Amara Devonte said...

*tight squeeze and a big smooch too*

Amara Devonte said...

Thanks darlin' :)

*big group hug*

Robin Amery said...


I've been relatively incommunicado those last few weeks and come back only to
see...this. I'm still reading and trying to catch up and this is all such a
wild and ugly mess.

Alex' post(s) made me swallow hard and I hate, hate, hate that he felt that he
had to write them. No writer, no human being should ever be forced to out
her/himself that way. It's just... no. I have always been against outing others
or forcing others to out themselves. No matter their gender or sexual

The vitriol I've seen in some places makes me sad, but doesn't really surprise
me. Fandom unfortunately can teach one a lot about mob-mentality, dog-piling
and how hurtful and spiteful people can get. Especially on the internet. I
think the written communication and the fact that one doesn't see and hear the
impact words have on another human being makes it for some people even easier
to be downright nasty and hurtful.

Sending you a lot of strength and some special hugs.

Amara Devonte said...

Thanks darlin'. *hugs*

Incommunicado was probably better. What a mess everything turned in to. I've never seen anything like this happen before. I've heard stories, but... it's the first front row seat I've ever had. And yeah, you're right, mob mentality... that's just what it felt like to me.
It just kills me, I still see so many people still standing on their "Nuh-uh, Not me, I didn't do anything wrong", "I'm allowed to have my opinion". blah blah blah, without even stopping to even TRY to see, to listen. It just boggles my mind. 

BritaAddams said...


This has been a tough week for those of us who know Aleks and frankly, adore him. You and I have talked privately and we know how the other feels about this, but ultimately, though Aleks was forced to do something he shouldn't have ever felt he needed to do, he is doing so much good and I know he's pleased with that. 

I think Aleks said it best:

"You learn your wisest lessons from your enemies. Assuming, of course, you survive the encounter."~Scorpion, Aleksandr Voinov

Aleks is a survivor and those who following his healing lead will be better for the journey.

Much love to you, Amara. You know I adore you as well.

Big, squishy hugs.

Amara Devonte said...

Hi honey. 

Yeah, it's the "forced" part I have problem with. No one should feel forced. For any reason. Watching this all go down has had my hackles and my protectiveness in hyperdrive. For him, yes, but for many people as well. For many reasons. Mamba's over hackling has plumb worn her out. lol.

Watching the good he's doing thru it all just increases my feeling of awe. Every time I go over to that thread and see what they are doing, I just... 

Lol I'm too tired to form proper words this morning. 

Much love right back to you darlin'.

*squishies you*

Aleksandr Voinov said...

Amara, for what it's worth, you've been an inspiration and one of the driving forces of the turnaround, so, yes, while we all felt it (and some of the damage isn't even visible yet, because many people dropped out without making the kind of blog post I made), I think we're on a much saner path now, overall. 

I'm already seeing changes - trans* people being less marginalized and belittled in our little corner of the internet, writers tackling trans* identities, people stepping up and educating others, and many people telling the haters (who are still around) to shut the fuck up. See, the haters are like the birthers - nothing we can do will change them, but ate the very least we can make sure they can no longer spout their ignorance uncontested. There's been a lot of solidarity, and that has made some more trans* people step forward (when they didn't have to) to explain and teach. Light bulbs going off everywhere, or at least in many places. 

Me, the stress has caught up with me. I slept most of the afternoon/evening like the dead, but I'm feeling much better about everything now. *hugs*

Amara Devonte said...

It's worth... more than I know how to say.

Crap, I think I have something in my eye again. I'm starting to leak again. 

*hugs you tight*

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